Three AM in the morning is a fine time to catch up on my reading anyway. The ongoing storm outside raged with intent to destroy my house and raindrops slammed on the exterior. As per usual I couldn't sleep very well, my nightmares have descended into the realms of clinical insanity, deciphering them would take government level cryptology. Everything that came into my mind derailed into a train wreck within seconds. I pondered upping my pill dosage to maybe three a night, but I'd hate to run through them so fast since my only means of getting them is Ray at the behest of an early morning phone call. I grabbed myself a cup of tea and threw myself down onto the sofa. I took slow deliberate sips to help ease my mind as I tried to iron out my current train of thought: the fate of a New Jersey. I barely wriggled my way out of certain death at the cost of Twenty-seven lives and my sleep. I gazed disheartened out the window and let my mind wander backward in history.
Throughout the years I've held in quite a large sum of bile for those I've served and even protected for quite some time. My disgust of everyone truly began back in my high school days before I was sent to Project Purity. I was sixteen years old at the time, same long dark hair tied in a ponytail as usual, dark blue eyes, and average body, the only difference between now and then is that I wore glasses back then. I was the quiet, shy, brainy, nerd girl with not a lot of friends, in fact I could count them all on one hand. I stayed away from everyone because I always felt different from them, like everyone lived on a social plane that was beyond access to peasants like myself. It's a strange mindset but those were awkward teen years where one isn't aware they don't actual feel the feelings they think they feel, especially love. I thought I knew love when Matthew Bridges, the tall athletic jock asked my out. I thought I had finally ascended my lowly peasantry, even if only for the moment. I was a sophomore, he was a senior, I was a quiet, vulnerable nerd , he was mister popular with friends everywhere. For someone who was good at math I didn't put two and two together, I was just so excited that he seemed to like the nerdy girl I blindly jumped at the chance to date him. Another foolish habit of teenagers is to put your all into something temporary under the guise of it being permanent, this again was something I had done. I put so much time into getting ready to see a movie with Matthew. I tried my best to look like all the pretty girls in school (I ended up looking like nothing but a clown in retrospect) and I even made it to the theater thirty minutes early. It was cold outside but I was too excited to care. Time moved on and on and on further through the day and the sun went behind the rusty brick buildings. I had waited for three hours before I realized that Matthew had stood me up. I was crushed.
The next day at school I went to my locker as usual, sullen and defeated. I was worried that something had happened to Matthew and that's why he stood me up but moments later I witnessed Matthew, alive and breathing, laughing and joking with his friends. He was absolutely fine, standing me up was nothing but a sick joke! My quiet, reservation melted away in an instant and erupted in a blistering fury. I furiously jerked at my locker handle. It jammed like every other locker in the school, but this time in my rage I didn't anticipate being able to tear the entire door off it's hinge, that's not a normal happening. In complete shock as I held the detached door it wobbled back and forth more and more, wobbling turned to intense wavering, the door began to resemble water as its structure became distorted. All the while this is happening it sounded as though a car door was being crushed. Students from all neighboring classrooms watched as I helplessly held the insane door. It took about a minute before I gathered the common sense to let go of the door. It feel to the ground with a heavy slam, twisted and mangled out of shape like a ball of paper. All eyes focused me and I had no show to put on for them, I was just as frightened as they were. Over the course of one day my life is shot straight to hell when it's discovered that I am one of the big bad Reavers that people hear about in the media. It was news to me as well as everyone else, but that didn't matter, I was taken away to Project Purity only a day later. Back in those days one didn't need to prove they were a danger to society to be taken to Project Purity like in today's time, it was zero tolerance for anyone who showed evidence of an active Reaver gene. That includes an innocent high school girl who was taken advantage of. My family was devastated, but not in the right way. My parents were grieved more about that fact that I was an active Reaver than losing their middle daughter to the system. They cried as if it were a curse, a plague on their household. My older sister, Michelle, she couldn't care less, as I was taken away all she did was shake her head. My younger sister, Sarah, cried, pleaded, and begged for the government not to take me, but there's only so much effect that the tears of a ten year can have. That car ride to a place far far from home dragged on psychosomatically induced paranoia. This is the last car ride I'll ever take, I thought.
Project Purity is where my life took on a turn for the worst. It was supposed to be the place where Reavers are taken and changed into productive, non-destructive members of working society, but my experience said otherwise. I was placed in a cold, stark white, metallic cell where the atmosphere screamed soulless. It was bare save for a double bunk bed, a toilet, and a bench, all lit by a flickering fluorescent light overhead. All around me, to the left, right, and across the thin hallway that separated the cells, dozens protested their inevitable fates loudly from their cells to the deaf ears of the heavily armed guards. Eventually the cries died down as they accepted the fate. I had a cell mate much like them, but I can sense she had already given up a while ago because she was smiling. Her name was Mileena. She wasn't much older than I, she was a beautiful caramel skinned woman with a fully developed figure and long flowing dark hair, but her young, brown eyes told that she couldn't be over twenty.
"So, what are you in for?" Mileena asked. I assume she was trying to be cliche but it went over my head at the time.
"In for?" I replied.
"Yea, you musta done something to land up in here. They don't just arrest Reavers for nothing."
I briefly went on a nerd rant in my explanation."I uh, destroyed a locker door somehow. It was weird like some sci-fi stuff, like the door was going to explode!"
Mileena put up her hands. "Whoa whoa, settle down kipper, I was kidding. They do arrest Reavers for nothing you know that right?"
I didn't want to answer yes or no because quite honestly I didn't know what was going on anymore. Project Purity wasn't like anything I had ever learned about in school, they called it an institution of reformation but from where I was it looked like a white prison. Mileena could see that I wasn't very knowledgeable on the situation.
"How old are you?" She asked. I told her my age and she was shocked at first and then laughed it off and shook her head. "Wow, they taking little sixteen year old girls now. Man, you haven't even had a chance to live and already it's over. I bet from the looks of you you haven't even had sex yet huh? The closest you've probably been to it was in your text book right?"
"I mean I know everything about it I guess." I foolishly answered.
"Trust me, honey." Mileena laughed. "No you don't."
"My name's Tonya, Tonya Harding." I extended my hand out for a handshake.
"Tonya huh? I like that name, it's really pretty on you. My name's Mileena." Mileena grabbed my hand and suddenly pulled me in for a hug. It caught me off guard but I just embraced her for a few moments.
"Why're you hugging me?"
"The small things in life, sweetie, appreciate them all. Every chance you get to hug someone, take it, remember the warm feeling of being in someone's arms."
"Ok?" I was very confused. Hugging anyone just seemed like a bad idea.
Mileena let me go and sat back down on the bench. "I'm sorry. I've been here for three weeks. I've seen so many come and go, I guess I'm on the bottom of the waiting list or something, and they all leave here the same way. I figure hey, maybe a hug would help. Who knows?"
"So what are you in here for?" I asked.
Mileena put up her finger and after a few seconds it began to glow. A small, red ball of light rose up from the tip of her finger and quietly popped after a couple seconds. "I can create these sparkly bomb things. I used it as a party trick until someone got scared and called the police and welp that's how I ended up here. Silly right?"
"Yea, I guess."
I'll never forget those days with Mileena. She was like the mentor my parents never were. She seemed to have answers for every question I asked her no matter how complicated. And in that short time we knew each other we formed a sisterly bond. It was a true blessing to have someone I could finally look up to that didn't look down on me like Michelle did. But like any other blessing in my life it's not supposed to be. Mileena's day had finally come after two weeks together. We gave each other a long loving hug before the guards escorted her out of the cell. 'Goodbye, Tonya. Hold on to that hug for as long as you can' were her last words to me before she disappeared down the hall through the double doors at the end. Alone again, sleep was impossible that night. Imagining the horrible things they were doing to my poor friend kept my eyes open with crowbar strength. The next day I got to see Mileena one final time. She was being escorted down the hall and I shouted out to her and she turned to me. Her head was shaved and her face no longer had vitality, her eyes were soulless, blank, half closed marbles that observed me in a cold unrecognized fashion. Nothing more than a shell of her former self, the Mileena I knew was dead. I backed away in horror as she was swiftly yanked away like a dog and lead down the hall out my sight. That night I cried harder than I had ever cried not only because of what this place had done to my friend, but also because it was going to happen to me next! A fate worse than being dead, to be alive and dead at the same time. Why was life so unfair? Why me?!
Bedtime Tonya, I thought. I hadn't realized it was already five in the morning. The past is dead, just let it die Tonya. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I tried to shut out the memories. I walked slowly back to my bedroom where my thoughts slowly deteriorated. Get yourself together, Tonya. You lived. The worst part of your life is over, Rufio is nothing to you. You're strong enough to put up with over a decade of abuse, mental, physical, and sexual, Rufio is a pussy compared to you. Be strong. Remember the mind you once drowned in knowledge and science fiction. Remember the Tonya who has outwitted everyone up to this point. Do you honestly think Rufio Martin, a psychopathic murderer can beat you? You've outsmarted men worse than him. Tonya believe in yourself, you bitch. Do you feel like dying? Why don't you just give up then? You should have just told Rufio to kill you. You're worthless. If this is what you really worked so hard for then I sincerely hope you've apologized to God for using his oxygen and walking his Earth to do so.
My head slammed the pillow as I forced my eyes closed. I embraced the oncoming nightmare with open arms and hoped it was vicious. The storm violently continued on in the background as an appropriating score for the dark twisted machinations of my dream world. I watched as a neighborhood of people I had once known were torn to shreds by disturbing looking creatures, each one more sick, twisted, and gnarled than the last. Human flesh and organs were strewn about in this massacre as the streets became a torrent of blood. And there I stood tall watching it all, not in shock, but in a hardened scowl. At the far end of the street lie a white light, something told me to move toward it. I took a step forward and the head of my younger sister rolled to my feet, her face frozen in horror from her painful demise. I looked down briefly and looked back up toward the light, it was further now. I swallowed hard and took another step and heard the distinguished sound of my father's bloodcurdling scream blare through my ears before it faded into gurgling. I shook my head and closed my eyes and took a third step. I felt a tug on my arm, one of the monsters latched onto me and tried to pull my back toward the massacre, moments later another did the same, then another and another until I was dog piled on by hideous creatures who had no intent on letting me leave. But they forgot one thing, this is my fucking dream. I ripped right my arm free, receiving a deep laceration in the process. I yanked my left leg free and then my neck, my right leg, left arm, I was free, my body had been torn to shreds and blood freely escaped my form but it didn't stop me. I broke out into a sprint toward the white light down the street, leaving a trail of blood and the massacre behind me. I kept running, faster and faster and leapt into the white light which lead to a solitary black room. My wounds had healed and I was stark naked. And a lone woman figure stood before me in a grey suit similar to those I wear to work, it was me.
"You've certainly come a long way, haven't you?" I asked myself with my arms folded in confidence.
"Give me my clothes." I scowled, not even bothering to cover myself up. I know what I look like.
"Your clothes?" I replied. "You're not me. You never will be."
"You're goddamned right I'm not you. I'm better than you!"
My eyes lit up at the claim and I uncrossed my arms. "Hmph, delusional."
"NO! Not delusion! I don't let people walk all over me like YOU! I am the raw anger that you've forgotten! You stand by and let these horrible events happen without batting an eye because you're afraid! You just want to blend into the background while the world around you melts the fuck down! You're a coward!"
"You're right." I murmured. "I do let people walk all over me. I let these things happen because yes I am afraid. I'm afraid if I let you out that I won't be able to control you."
"Cowardly. You need me. Your brain isn't enough, Tonya. You can't do this on your own. The brain doesn't work without its heart."
"How do I know you won't take over again, like you did before? You demanded two men die."
"IT WAS FOR US! If what they know had gotten out, we'd be dead right now! And what about you? You made a deal with a madman to save your own sorry ass, and look at all the progress you've made."
I couldn't respond. I was right, I had shut out one side of me and operated out of fear since. I haven't made an inch of progress. Maybe I was right. "Look here. We're gonna go into this together, you got me? We both work an equal amount to get the job done, fair?" I held out my hand to my other half and she reached out to me. When she grabbed my hand I pulled her in close and embraced her in a long hug. It was about time I truly came out of my shell and worked toward my future goals with everything I have. With everything I am.
Before I knew it I was awake in my bed. Ray was at my bedside rocking my shoulder telling me I was two hours late for work already. I told him that I had a long, long night in response.
Throughout the years I've held in quite a large sum of bile for those I've served and even protected for quite some time. My disgust of everyone truly began back in my high school days before I was sent to Project Purity. I was sixteen years old at the time, same long dark hair tied in a ponytail as usual, dark blue eyes, and average body, the only difference between now and then is that I wore glasses back then. I was the quiet, shy, brainy, nerd girl with not a lot of friends, in fact I could count them all on one hand. I stayed away from everyone because I always felt different from them, like everyone lived on a social plane that was beyond access to peasants like myself. It's a strange mindset but those were awkward teen years where one isn't aware they don't actual feel the feelings they think they feel, especially love. I thought I knew love when Matthew Bridges, the tall athletic jock asked my out. I thought I had finally ascended my lowly peasantry, even if only for the moment. I was a sophomore, he was a senior, I was a quiet, vulnerable nerd , he was mister popular with friends everywhere. For someone who was good at math I didn't put two and two together, I was just so excited that he seemed to like the nerdy girl I blindly jumped at the chance to date him. Another foolish habit of teenagers is to put your all into something temporary under the guise of it being permanent, this again was something I had done. I put so much time into getting ready to see a movie with Matthew. I tried my best to look like all the pretty girls in school (I ended up looking like nothing but a clown in retrospect) and I even made it to the theater thirty minutes early. It was cold outside but I was too excited to care. Time moved on and on and on further through the day and the sun went behind the rusty brick buildings. I had waited for three hours before I realized that Matthew had stood me up. I was crushed.
The next day at school I went to my locker as usual, sullen and defeated. I was worried that something had happened to Matthew and that's why he stood me up but moments later I witnessed Matthew, alive and breathing, laughing and joking with his friends. He was absolutely fine, standing me up was nothing but a sick joke! My quiet, reservation melted away in an instant and erupted in a blistering fury. I furiously jerked at my locker handle. It jammed like every other locker in the school, but this time in my rage I didn't anticipate being able to tear the entire door off it's hinge, that's not a normal happening. In complete shock as I held the detached door it wobbled back and forth more and more, wobbling turned to intense wavering, the door began to resemble water as its structure became distorted. All the while this is happening it sounded as though a car door was being crushed. Students from all neighboring classrooms watched as I helplessly held the insane door. It took about a minute before I gathered the common sense to let go of the door. It feel to the ground with a heavy slam, twisted and mangled out of shape like a ball of paper. All eyes focused me and I had no show to put on for them, I was just as frightened as they were. Over the course of one day my life is shot straight to hell when it's discovered that I am one of the big bad Reavers that people hear about in the media. It was news to me as well as everyone else, but that didn't matter, I was taken away to Project Purity only a day later. Back in those days one didn't need to prove they were a danger to society to be taken to Project Purity like in today's time, it was zero tolerance for anyone who showed evidence of an active Reaver gene. That includes an innocent high school girl who was taken advantage of. My family was devastated, but not in the right way. My parents were grieved more about that fact that I was an active Reaver than losing their middle daughter to the system. They cried as if it were a curse, a plague on their household. My older sister, Michelle, she couldn't care less, as I was taken away all she did was shake her head. My younger sister, Sarah, cried, pleaded, and begged for the government not to take me, but there's only so much effect that the tears of a ten year can have. That car ride to a place far far from home dragged on psychosomatically induced paranoia. This is the last car ride I'll ever take, I thought.
Project Purity is where my life took on a turn for the worst. It was supposed to be the place where Reavers are taken and changed into productive, non-destructive members of working society, but my experience said otherwise. I was placed in a cold, stark white, metallic cell where the atmosphere screamed soulless. It was bare save for a double bunk bed, a toilet, and a bench, all lit by a flickering fluorescent light overhead. All around me, to the left, right, and across the thin hallway that separated the cells, dozens protested their inevitable fates loudly from their cells to the deaf ears of the heavily armed guards. Eventually the cries died down as they accepted the fate. I had a cell mate much like them, but I can sense she had already given up a while ago because she was smiling. Her name was Mileena. She wasn't much older than I, she was a beautiful caramel skinned woman with a fully developed figure and long flowing dark hair, but her young, brown eyes told that she couldn't be over twenty.
"So, what are you in for?" Mileena asked. I assume she was trying to be cliche but it went over my head at the time.
"In for?" I replied.
"Yea, you musta done something to land up in here. They don't just arrest Reavers for nothing."
I briefly went on a nerd rant in my explanation."I uh, destroyed a locker door somehow. It was weird like some sci-fi stuff, like the door was going to explode!"
Mileena put up her hands. "Whoa whoa, settle down kipper, I was kidding. They do arrest Reavers for nothing you know that right?"
I didn't want to answer yes or no because quite honestly I didn't know what was going on anymore. Project Purity wasn't like anything I had ever learned about in school, they called it an institution of reformation but from where I was it looked like a white prison. Mileena could see that I wasn't very knowledgeable on the situation.
"How old are you?" She asked. I told her my age and she was shocked at first and then laughed it off and shook her head. "Wow, they taking little sixteen year old girls now. Man, you haven't even had a chance to live and already it's over. I bet from the looks of you you haven't even had sex yet huh? The closest you've probably been to it was in your text book right?"
"I mean I know everything about it I guess." I foolishly answered.
"Trust me, honey." Mileena laughed. "No you don't."
"My name's Tonya, Tonya Harding." I extended my hand out for a handshake.
"Tonya huh? I like that name, it's really pretty on you. My name's Mileena." Mileena grabbed my hand and suddenly pulled me in for a hug. It caught me off guard but I just embraced her for a few moments.
"Why're you hugging me?"
"The small things in life, sweetie, appreciate them all. Every chance you get to hug someone, take it, remember the warm feeling of being in someone's arms."
"Ok?" I was very confused. Hugging anyone just seemed like a bad idea.
Mileena let me go and sat back down on the bench. "I'm sorry. I've been here for three weeks. I've seen so many come and go, I guess I'm on the bottom of the waiting list or something, and they all leave here the same way. I figure hey, maybe a hug would help. Who knows?"
"So what are you in here for?" I asked.
Mileena put up her finger and after a few seconds it began to glow. A small, red ball of light rose up from the tip of her finger and quietly popped after a couple seconds. "I can create these sparkly bomb things. I used it as a party trick until someone got scared and called the police and welp that's how I ended up here. Silly right?"
"Yea, I guess."
I'll never forget those days with Mileena. She was like the mentor my parents never were. She seemed to have answers for every question I asked her no matter how complicated. And in that short time we knew each other we formed a sisterly bond. It was a true blessing to have someone I could finally look up to that didn't look down on me like Michelle did. But like any other blessing in my life it's not supposed to be. Mileena's day had finally come after two weeks together. We gave each other a long loving hug before the guards escorted her out of the cell. 'Goodbye, Tonya. Hold on to that hug for as long as you can' were her last words to me before she disappeared down the hall through the double doors at the end. Alone again, sleep was impossible that night. Imagining the horrible things they were doing to my poor friend kept my eyes open with crowbar strength. The next day I got to see Mileena one final time. She was being escorted down the hall and I shouted out to her and she turned to me. Her head was shaved and her face no longer had vitality, her eyes were soulless, blank, half closed marbles that observed me in a cold unrecognized fashion. Nothing more than a shell of her former self, the Mileena I knew was dead. I backed away in horror as she was swiftly yanked away like a dog and lead down the hall out my sight. That night I cried harder than I had ever cried not only because of what this place had done to my friend, but also because it was going to happen to me next! A fate worse than being dead, to be alive and dead at the same time. Why was life so unfair? Why me?!
Bedtime Tonya, I thought. I hadn't realized it was already five in the morning. The past is dead, just let it die Tonya. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I tried to shut out the memories. I walked slowly back to my bedroom where my thoughts slowly deteriorated. Get yourself together, Tonya. You lived. The worst part of your life is over, Rufio is nothing to you. You're strong enough to put up with over a decade of abuse, mental, physical, and sexual, Rufio is a pussy compared to you. Be strong. Remember the mind you once drowned in knowledge and science fiction. Remember the Tonya who has outwitted everyone up to this point. Do you honestly think Rufio Martin, a psychopathic murderer can beat you? You've outsmarted men worse than him. Tonya believe in yourself, you bitch. Do you feel like dying? Why don't you just give up then? You should have just told Rufio to kill you. You're worthless. If this is what you really worked so hard for then I sincerely hope you've apologized to God for using his oxygen and walking his Earth to do so.
My head slammed the pillow as I forced my eyes closed. I embraced the oncoming nightmare with open arms and hoped it was vicious. The storm violently continued on in the background as an appropriating score for the dark twisted machinations of my dream world. I watched as a neighborhood of people I had once known were torn to shreds by disturbing looking creatures, each one more sick, twisted, and gnarled than the last. Human flesh and organs were strewn about in this massacre as the streets became a torrent of blood. And there I stood tall watching it all, not in shock, but in a hardened scowl. At the far end of the street lie a white light, something told me to move toward it. I took a step forward and the head of my younger sister rolled to my feet, her face frozen in horror from her painful demise. I looked down briefly and looked back up toward the light, it was further now. I swallowed hard and took another step and heard the distinguished sound of my father's bloodcurdling scream blare through my ears before it faded into gurgling. I shook my head and closed my eyes and took a third step. I felt a tug on my arm, one of the monsters latched onto me and tried to pull my back toward the massacre, moments later another did the same, then another and another until I was dog piled on by hideous creatures who had no intent on letting me leave. But they forgot one thing, this is my fucking dream. I ripped right my arm free, receiving a deep laceration in the process. I yanked my left leg free and then my neck, my right leg, left arm, I was free, my body had been torn to shreds and blood freely escaped my form but it didn't stop me. I broke out into a sprint toward the white light down the street, leaving a trail of blood and the massacre behind me. I kept running, faster and faster and leapt into the white light which lead to a solitary black room. My wounds had healed and I was stark naked. And a lone woman figure stood before me in a grey suit similar to those I wear to work, it was me.
"You've certainly come a long way, haven't you?" I asked myself with my arms folded in confidence.
"Give me my clothes." I scowled, not even bothering to cover myself up. I know what I look like.
"Your clothes?" I replied. "You're not me. You never will be."
"You're goddamned right I'm not you. I'm better than you!"
My eyes lit up at the claim and I uncrossed my arms. "Hmph, delusional."
"NO! Not delusion! I don't let people walk all over me like YOU! I am the raw anger that you've forgotten! You stand by and let these horrible events happen without batting an eye because you're afraid! You just want to blend into the background while the world around you melts the fuck down! You're a coward!"
"You're right." I murmured. "I do let people walk all over me. I let these things happen because yes I am afraid. I'm afraid if I let you out that I won't be able to control you."
"Cowardly. You need me. Your brain isn't enough, Tonya. You can't do this on your own. The brain doesn't work without its heart."
"How do I know you won't take over again, like you did before? You demanded two men die."
"IT WAS FOR US! If what they know had gotten out, we'd be dead right now! And what about you? You made a deal with a madman to save your own sorry ass, and look at all the progress you've made."
I couldn't respond. I was right, I had shut out one side of me and operated out of fear since. I haven't made an inch of progress. Maybe I was right. "Look here. We're gonna go into this together, you got me? We both work an equal amount to get the job done, fair?" I held out my hand to my other half and she reached out to me. When she grabbed my hand I pulled her in close and embraced her in a long hug. It was about time I truly came out of my shell and worked toward my future goals with everything I have. With everything I am.
Before I knew it I was awake in my bed. Ray was at my bedside rocking my shoulder telling me I was two hours late for work already. I told him that I had a long, long night in response.
Comments
Post a Comment