It's not a well known thing that I have anxiety but I do. Okay that part is done I can say what I want to say. I have a true problem with appearing imperfect. I hate the idea of my flaws ever being put out and laid bare. I'd much rather hide my imperfections and maintain the facade of a tough exterior and a higher state of knowledge but truthfully it's more exhausting than hiding.
I keep myself secluded from things rather than getting myself out there and getting my hands dirty and taking a few falls and getting up. It's honestly how I was brought up. I never had the room to fail. It was either be great or not noticed. My works meant nothing to my immediate family if no accomplishments followed them. It caused me to become a perfectionist. A really sad perfectionist. I truthfully, in a selfish way, just want to be noticed. I want to be bragged about, talked about. I have a need for it.
Being told I was stupid for a good portion of my life caused me to be defiant at every given turn. I've made bad decisions and dumb decisions but I'm not stupid. I hate that damn word. It makes me mad.
Anyway just reconnecting with the world is a pain and a struggle. It's hard to fight against your emotions that are literally tearing away at you at all times. To defy one's self is a real challenge and that's what I'm going against.
I'm going to keep defying my inner self that cries out against me to put myself out there for fear of looking stupid. No matter how long it takes for me to get over it. I have a long way to go but every step forward helps.
I keep myself secluded from things rather than getting myself out there and getting my hands dirty and taking a few falls and getting up. It's honestly how I was brought up. I never had the room to fail. It was either be great or not noticed. My works meant nothing to my immediate family if no accomplishments followed them. It caused me to become a perfectionist. A really sad perfectionist. I truthfully, in a selfish way, just want to be noticed. I want to be bragged about, talked about. I have a need for it.
Being told I was stupid for a good portion of my life caused me to be defiant at every given turn. I've made bad decisions and dumb decisions but I'm not stupid. I hate that damn word. It makes me mad.
Anyway just reconnecting with the world is a pain and a struggle. It's hard to fight against your emotions that are literally tearing away at you at all times. To defy one's self is a real challenge and that's what I'm going against.
I'm going to keep defying my inner self that cries out against me to put myself out there for fear of looking stupid. No matter how long it takes for me to get over it. I have a long way to go but every step forward helps.
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